It's So Hard to Say Goodbye
I haven't posted any blogs in a while, partly because I was busy and partly because I was very depressed before my trip back to California. Then there was all the hubbub with Ashley, Kristen, and Martin with the internet "drug". There wasn't much good to write, so I just didn't. Since I have been back, I've been pretty depressed and I've also been sick. I lost hearing in my right ear, possibly on the plane ride back, and haven't been able to hear from it since I arrived back in Okinawa. I've been hot, sick, and miserable, except for the block 5 events I've planned that went well. I've had some fun since I've been back on the island, but work has been pretty bad. I guess these are my dark times here. I found out this week that I am going to be team teaching in the very important demonstration class that every teacher and official for our district watches. It's not that I mind the attention, but it's a lot of work, preparation, and meetings, which I'm sure will have me staying past the hours I'm supposed to work, and all of this with no reward or feeling of accomplishment. It would be different if I was getting some sort of satisfaction from it, but since I'm not, I just get annoyed. The teacher is already working on the lesson for it, which means I will likely just be told where to stand and when to say whatever they want me to say. Which is just depressing. This lesson is taking place at Chinen, which makes it worse because there is a huge language barrier here. At least at Hyakuna, they listen to my ideas, and I get a bit of satisfaction when something goes well. Anyhow, here is something I started a while ago and never posted because I was so busy the week before I left trying to get a schedule I could find satisfaction in:
I'm always sad to leave something that has failed to blossom due to lack of time. I felt this way when I left Kudaka, just a few months ago (April) and I feel this way again today as I spend my last day at Chinen Chugakko (July 7). I was so excited when I first came here and felt new life breathed into me when I was told I could teach my own classes of students who were far more advanced than my younger students. It's not that I don't love my elementary students, but it was nice to have just 1 day a week that I could actually connect with my students and have conversations, though often brief, with them. Elementary students are great, genki, and hilarious. But our interactions are superficial- they think I'm hilarious and I make their class time fun. However, the junior high students have heart. They, especially the 2nd graders (13-14yr olds), were very sincere and kind to me. They complemented me right from the start and weren't shy, and it made me want to get to know them on a personal level, which made me feel like my time here was worthwhile. I was learning about these kids' hopes and dreams- in English… In April, I thought perhaps it was just Kudaka's small, familial school I was sad to leave behind, but apparently I was mistaken; I feel my heartstrings being tugged upon again because I'm having to leave another group of 30 or so students that I've come to like spending time with. I'm trying to be Japanese about it, trying to be strong and unwavering in front of teachers, but it's really hard. Sure, I'll meet other students, wherever I teach next (that has yet to be decided), but then I will be starting all over again, building new relationships with students who will think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Don't get me wrong, being the greatest thing since sliced bread is wonderful; I love the attention. However, the downside to that is that because these students fail to get to know me, they fail to actually learn about me, and I fail to learn about them. Unfortunately, all this failing at my level, means my position as a JET fails as well. This program is about the exchange of cultures- this goal is even more important than the point of the program being about teaching English. And I am starting to feel that if I keep getting shifted around breaking ties with my students and meeting new ones, the whole program is being cheated. Sure there are JETs who have it worse off than me. There are some who travel around the whole district (south Okinawa) for 6 weeks at a time at each school. But it's hard for me to see others at my Board of Education stay at the same schools while I am cheated out of a more meaningful experience. I hate to say it, but it just makes me want to go home. There is no way I can consider staying another year here. I'm not sure how I can manage the year I've committed to already. I am so exhausted with running around, teaching 20, often different classes a week at three locations that sometimes I drive to the wrong school. I have made a sheet that tells me what class, topic, and activity I'm doing each day, but I haven't settled in to a system of seeing my whole week in advance so I can feel prepared for it. I often don't have the time to meet with teachers ahead of time due to everyone's busy schedules, and there is nothing worse than two people trying to "team teach" when neither of them has a full grasp of what's going on in the lesson. I am always planning my classes based on available materials because I often don't have the time I need to prepare materials because I spend so much time in the classroom, teaching. Teaching itself, can be exhausting. Imagine being responsible for entertaining 60-150 students a day, somewhat supported by their home room teacher (now imagine working with up to 5 different teachers a day, each with their own style of classroom management, and teaching) up to 5 different topics, and preparing and executing 5 different fun activities so that your students want to come to English and behave in your classroom. This is my job. I like it most of the time, but once again, when I compare it to me peers, who spend merely 1 day doing this schedule, and 4 of the schedule I enjoy so much (a schedule of up to 4 classes a day, usually not more than 3 teachers a week, and no more than 12 topics/activities a week), it saddens me greatly. My life would be so much simpler and easier to manage if I could teach junior high more often. But, I won't. Instead, I will be thrown into some crazy schedule that I will do my best to thrive at. This is my life here.
I can't wait to get off the island in a few days. Maybe my trip home will refresh me and I will come back eager to tackle the challenges of my job here. I can only hope.
Continued August 2nd - It is always hard to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I always have. I hate missing people, and I hate leaving. I hate down time when I get to a new place. I think I spent a couple days in California feeling out of place, and now that I'm back in Japan, once again I feel out of place. I long for the ease of living in California. However, I know that neither Jon or I have cars, phones, jobs, or an apartment there, so these facts just add to my frustration and misplaced-ness.
Continued August 3rd- There's no place like home. It's funny to say that after being so annoyed by all the nuances and idiosyncrasies of our American life when we were there, but coming back to Japan this time was a lot harder this time around than it was at Christmas. Just 24 hours ago I was starting an exciting blog about all the fun things I did while "on vacation" at home. Now any free moment my mind has to wander, tears come to my eyes and I just want to be home. Even more funny is the fact that after Jon and I went home for Christmas, we felt out of place and were happy to come back to our "home" here. But I guess the island was still young to us then. We wanted to prove to ourselves that we could accomplish living here. And we have. We both are employed, have friends, side jobs, and can do all the necessary things like shopping, paying bills, drive, and anything else life here throws at us. This time around I didn't miss my teachers, and I didn't miss my students. I had a lot of fun catching up with many friends and just "being" in California. I thought about bailing on my contract while I was gone, before the date my new contract started. What's different now? Well, I am not satisfied with my job here now, for one. I am tired of some of the people I work with, for two. And, unfortunately, without having been back to work or seen my students yet, the fact that I am not completely satisfied here is looming over my head like the dark clouds over the ocean this morning.
Continued August 16th- However, after settling back into our Okinawan life, I am a bit happier. I'm not sure if this is because 'home' is "out of sight, out of mind" or if I was just homesick because I hate goodbyes. The fact that I have all these new JETs to help out makes me feel like my life her is more worthwhile, so I am excited for the new year to unfurl and to see how many different fun events we will have socially. Unfortunately, I just don't think I am going to get any satisfaction from my job, which really is unfortunate, considering it's such a big part of my life here.
Continued on August 18th- Well my trip home didn't leave me ready to tackle my job here, instead it made me really hate this place and really want to leave. My Board has told me that while I have a crappy schedule now, I will be given the school of my choice in April. And, I have since found out that every teacher at my schools is going to have to teach a demonstration class in English before the end of the school year (March). I have exhausted every possible solution to the problem and have only been slammed into brick walls. I still don't know my schedule the for the next 2 terms, only that I will be teaching 4 days a week at 2 elementary schools. That's 15 classes a week with students who I can't relate to or get to know. Why don't I just learn Japanese so I can communicate with them you ask? Because I'm so exhausted at the end of the day, I don't want to stick my nose in a book for an hour every night to learn a language that won't benefit me as a teacher in Southern California. I just can't bring myself to do that. I want to get started with the rest of my life now. Since I got back from California I have been using my position as blockhead (think social chair) to get myself out of the house and meet all the new JETs. It has brought me some satisfaction, but I haven't found any satisfaction at work. I go to my schools, struggle to communicate with the few teachers who show up during summer (while myself only showing up for maybe 6 hours a day). Oh, and I've been battling an awful cough and the concern that I might not get hearing back in my right ear (which I haven't had since I got off the plane here on the first of August).
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